So I was thinking about ways to get more traffic to my website, when it dawned on me: I should be like Frank J. over at IMAO, and call upon the powers of the grand-high-poobah of the blogosphere, Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit.
I called up Glenn, who prefers to be called “Grand High Poobah Glenn,” and talked to him about it. What follows is a transcript of this actual telephone call.*
Glenn: “Who dares to disturb me?”Gullyborg: “It is I, Gullyborg, a neophyte blogger, seeking your guidance and wisdom, oh mighty…”
(mmmph… elllllllp…)
Gullyborg: “…uh, what was that?”
Glenn: “Oh, that’s no one. I mean nothing. Do go on.”
(giph umm back mmmm teeeefh!)
Gullyborg: “It sounded like a little old lady trying to say ‘give me back my teeth.’”
(mmmmmmmphf!)
Glenn: “Oh, that! I mean, oh, yeah, you called me while I had a little old lady in my office.”
Gullyborg: “Did you take her teeth?”
Glenn: “Mind your own business! Now what did you call for?”
(eeeee oooook ummm teeeeef!)
Gullyborg: “Are you sure you aren’t stealing some little old lady’s teeth?”
Glenn: “Well, since you asked, I may as well tell you. No one will ever believe you because your blog is pathetic and never gets any traffic. Not like mine! Muwahahahaha!”
Gullyborg: “So, about the teeth?”
Glenn: “Oh yes, the teeth. I collect them.”
Gullyborg: “You collect teeth?”
Glenn: “Well, not just any teeth. I only collect the teeth of helpless little old ladies. Then I use them to decorate the walls of my office, like a hunter’s trophy.”
Gullyborg: “That’s just wrong.”
(uuuuu ell mmmm!)
Glenn: “Quiet down, you old bat, or I’ll stick something pointy into your eye.”
(mmmmph)
Gullyborg: “But if you take the teeth of little old ladies, won’t that make it hard for them to eat?”
Glenn: “Ah, that’s the ingenious aspect of it! Now, without teeth, Granny here will be on liquid lunches. Now I can get her hooked on my delicious puppy shakes!”
Gullyborg: “You mean that what Frank J. wrote about you drinking puppies that were blended into shakes was true?”
Glenn: “Sluuuuuuurp. I’m sorry, why did you call again?”
Gullyborg: “Ummmm… I’m sorry, wrong number.”
So there you have it. Glenn Reynolds steals teeth from little old ladies in order to decorate his walls while simultaneously getting them hooked on his dreadful blended puppy concoctions.
Now that I have revealed the truth, surely my web traffic will quadruple.
* I may have inadvertently actually dialed a wrong number. The guy on the other end sounded like he was from Tennessee, though.
Up to four from one?
Can't count mom, y'know. ;)
Joining the Alliance and participating in their silliness is one way to up your hits. Becoming assimilated into the .mu.nu collective is another. ("Join us! We LIKE new members. :) It's easy! The Reverend Pixy Misa will set up everything for you. Join us! It's easy. It's inevitable. We are Munuvia! Moo Noo! Moo Noo! MOONOO!!" Agh! No! Wake up! Oh thank heavens, it was only a dream...)
That and being all over the place all of the time in the comments at other people's blogs (my preferred method), will eventually get you noticed.
Posted by: Desert Cat | Friday, 22 October 2004 at 04:04 PM
...*and* it's more fun!
; >
Posted by: Claire | Friday, 22 October 2004 at 06:08 PM
The infamous E-Claire! Welcome, La Professora Moonbatology! Please, peruse the site and enjoy.
Desert Cat: I don't have any idea if Mom even reads this.
Two new comments from two real bloggers... invoking the Puppy Blender has obviously been a success!
Posted by: Gullyborg | Friday, 22 October 2004 at 06:39 PM