Deep Soul Searching

This whole week has caused me to do some serious soul searching.

Hearing all the cogent arguments against keeping Terri Schiavo's feeding tube in, seeing the Pope fall into ill health, hearing yet another report on WMD's not being in Iraq...

This is hard.  But I have come to a conclusion:

I have been wrong about everything.  There.  I've said it.  I'm finished with the Republican party.  I'm done making excuses for George W. Bush.  No more putting up with the extremists on the right and their fundamentalist Christian ways.  Over.  Done.  Kaput.

While I'm at it, I'm giving up meat.  I just can't stomach it anymore, knowing how animals are mistreated.  I never really understood the issue until recently, when the Oregon Legislature took up a bill to ban foie gras.  The very thought of harvesting organs from a living bird sickens me.  It's tofu time.

I'm also giving up my dream of owning a new SUV after law school.  I've had two Jeeps before, but gave them up for economy now that I am a student again.  Well, our dependence on foreign oil is just too great.  Not only are we going to war for the sake of the black blood, but in the process we are gradually destroying the Earth.  No more.  Even my little Toyota, which just went over 500 miles on a single tank of gas, is wrong.  It's bicycle time.

No more Fox News.  That guy selling the filter is on to something.  If I can just get the negative influence of Fox out of my mind, then I can start thinking again and forming more valid opinions about the world around me.  There is truth, and there is Fox News.  Who needs one when you have the other?  Same goes for that blowhard, Limbaugh.  From now on, it's all NPR, all the time.

Remember my living will?  Forget it.  Not only do I never want to live in a vegetative state, but there are too many people using too many resources on this planet already anyway.  If Mother Nature decides that I shouldn't eat or breathe on my own anymore, I'm considering that a wake up call that it's time to move on.  I may not even wait until it gets that far.  Once I become infirm or my mind begins to go, just take me out on a "hunting trip" and have a little "accident."  I've taken classes on evidence and criminal law.  If you think you have it in you to carry out my dying wish, come talk to me now.  We'll work out the details so you'll never get prosecuted.

Actually, forget the hunting trip.  We'll have to think up some other way for you to kill me that doesn't involve guns.  America is the most violent nation in the world, and it can't be because of gangs or drugs or morals or anything like that.  It's the guns.  I've been living a lie for years.  Guns kill.  Period.  There is no reason why anyone in a civilized society should ever own one. 

I'm definitely voting Democrat next time around.  I used to think that Republicans were a majority.  But now I realize I was just falling for propaganda.  After all, poll after poll after poll consistently shows that Americans hate Bush and now I realize that those exit polls showing Kerry really won the election must have been true.  There is simply no way an ignorant hillbilly alcoholic draft dodger moron chimp like Bush could have beaten the sophisticated, intelligent, worldly, nuanced, war hero John Kerry.  The election was rigged.  I can admit it now, because the results sicken me.

My biggest regret is that I've been siding with a party that is so blatantly racist and homophobic.  Never mind that Bush has had more minorities in his cabinet, in higher positions, than any other President.  We all know that Condi Rice isn't really an African-American in the proper sense.  She may have dark skin, but inside she is all wonder bread.  I mean, she is a concert pianist and a figure skater, for crying out loud.  So much for honoring her African Heritage.  She is just a sell out to the man, willing to sacrifice her race for a plush office in D.C.

And the gays.  I used to think that being gay was wrong.  Maybe that's just because I've never tried it.  I mean, look at all the wonderful, intelligent, creative thinkers out there who get it on with their own kind.  Maybe they're on to something.  I should dump my girlfriend and start asking out some of the prettier male students here at school.

I know it sounds immoral, but that's just my judeochristian brainwashing.  Forget about all that!  From now on, it's Wicca.  Wicca is a true religion, because it goes back farther than judaism and all its offshoots.  Back then, people knew Truth and could see it and feel it in the Earth around them, before becomming corrupted by technology.

I think tonight I am going to score some weed.  I've never used any illegal drug in my life before.  I know I've been missing out.  The only reason I've been clean for 35 years is that a combination of my "moral" upbringing and "respect" for the White European Male Oppressor's laws have tainted my intellect, convincing me that drugs are bad.  The hell with that!  Drugs turned the Beatles from an annoying boy band into the most creative and revered musical artists of all time.  And look at how drugs helped make Hunter S. Thompson into the man he is today.  I know he and I have the same opinion on a living will.

You know what else?  We need to raise taxes.  There.  I said it.  How can we continue to let the rich pay less when people are hungry and living without health insurance in the most prosperous country in the world?  And it's not just the taxes, it's the so-called "freedom" of the free-market.  Corporations are allowed to run rampant over the little guy.  How about a world without corporations?  Why not turn over all our production and distribution to a body that doesn't care about profits?  It's high time we gave the government more control.  The government is there to help us.

What's stopping the government from doing it's job to serve the people?  Conservative judges, that's what.  And now Chimpy McDumbya Bush wants to pack the courts with even more conservative judges, judges who want to take away a woman's right to choose and replace it with the corporation's right to rape.

And what is the biggest lesson so far?  It must be that America is evil.  America has been the cause of more war, death, suffering, destruction, starvation, disease, and oppression than any other civilization in history.  I shouldn't even use the word civilization, because that implies that America is civilized.  Screw America.  I'm ready to move to France or the Netherlands.  Maybe I can meet a nice young gay European looking for an American "wife" on one of the chat rooms I keep hearing about.  From now on, the only "Pledge of Allegiance" I'm saying is to the United NATIONS.

Adios, America.  Not that any of you understand what that means, seeing as how you are all too uncultured and Amerocentric to learn any languages other than your bastardization of the Queen's English...

So, to all you regular readers expecting to come here and read about how much I hate Hillary Clinton, how much I love George W. Bush, how great America is, how right we are to be in Iraq, how evil the death of Terri Schiavo by starvation was, how great capitalism is, how bad socialism is, how important guns are, how stupid the enviromentalists are, I just have one thing to say to all of you:

April Fools!

Comments

[Nick Horianopoulos]

I did a post like this on my blog a few months ago - it's pretty fun to analyze the other side's "thinking process," if you can use such a phrase so illiterally.

I never believed it, not a word, for even a second anyway. HA!

[Kevin]

Ha! I knew you were fooling when you got to the meat. No one really likes to eat tofu. The rest maybe,there are drugs out there that will fry your brain, but the meat...never.

[mag44_vaquero]

Man, I was with you on this one.... was gonna put blanks in the gun to before I welded the muzzle up. I wuz gonna start drinking Frenchie French whine and give up on Busch beer. Then ya had to go and spoilt it all.

Ha! See ya at the southern border.

[Claire]

Got me!

Here I was about to recommend a tinfoil hat and a nice nap...

*applause*

[Liberal Larry]

I knew you were full of it when you wrote: "I think tonight I am going to score some weed."

It's not "weed", it's glaucoma medication!