I wouldn't have thought it was an issue for you...

Liza Minnelli says she is sick of sex.

Umm... hello?  Have you even come within 20 feet of a straight man in the last 30 years?  I mean, other than the bodyguard you sexually harassed?  Of course, if he was part of your posse, he was probably gay, too...

Seriously, Buster from Arrested Development was more macho than your current estranged husband.  Come on, your husband was the least masculine member of your wedding party:

We can tell you're the bride, as you are wearing white.  But which one is the groom?  Normally we would say, "the groom is the man in the wedding photo."  Problem is, we just aren't sure who that would be in this case.

Liza, here is a tip for you:

If you want to enjoy sex again, stop hanging around with the GLBT crowd and find yourself a MAN.  Not a person with a penis and testicles who also wears a dress and sings prettier than you do.  Not a choreographer.  Not a hairdresser.  And probably not one of your bodyguards, either.

Try this:

Next Saturday night, instead of hanging out in a swanky bistro in the Village, fly to, oh, how about Tulsa.  That's in Oklahoma.  Not Oklahomo.  You can find it on a map.  It's in the big empty space in between Greenwich Village and San Francisco.  Go to Tulsa; the people at JFK airport can get you there.

Don't wear a gown.  In fact, don't wear anything you aren't willing to throw away.  Ask the cabbie at the Tulsa airport to take to the nearest Wal-Mart.  Once there, when the old guy at the front door greets you, tell him you need "women's wear."  Grab the first employee you can find there, and just say "help me."  She'll know what to do.

After you've been made all purdy, fetch another cab.  Ask the driver to take you someplace where real men hang out.  He'll know what to do.

Once you arrive at the cab driver's chosen C&W saloon, go in and have something to drink.  Hint: what you should order will come in a pint glass, be yellow, and have a monosyllabic name.  It should not come in stemware, be pink, or require an accent to properly pronounce.  I am talking about beer. 

You know, B-E-E-R.

I know you are an alcoholic, so I shouldn't be recommending drinks for you.  But I also know you have never stayed on the wagon, so roll with it.  You're going to get drunk anyway.  It may as well be on something normal.

Just don't chase you beer with Valium like you normally do.

Once the evening starts to pick up, the singing will start.  You probably won't know the songs, but the little TV screens have the words for you to read and the tunes are easy to pick up.  Get up and sing.  It's what you do well.  Try something from the page on Patsy Cline.  If you are really feeling frisky, go for a Gretchen Wilson song:

After you sing, expect several men to offer to buy you more beer.  This is normal.  This is what men do.  Pick the man who looks the least like one of your normal suitors, then just shut up and let him take charge.

Trust me, the next morning, you will have a whole different outlook on the world...

Comments

[sarahk]

i hate almost all of Gretchen Wilson's songs (they all seem to be about being a skanky, beer-drinking whore who's really proud of it).

anyway, i like your new colors.

[Vonski]

I was going to write something really crude then thought better of it. But rather than not write anything, I wrote this... which isn't quite as fulfilling. Heh.

[pete]

I like skanky beer swilling whores. Especially if they look like Gretchen Wilson.

[James R. Rummel]

Pure blogging gold, Gully.

James

[Gewehr98]

I feel sorry for the poor sap who wakes up next to Gretchen Wilson in the morning, sees that the bondo has cracked and fallen off her face, and commences to chew off his own arm to escape. Naw, scratch that, it would have been his own damned fault...

[Redneck Nerdboy!]

Absolute genius my friend! Well said!

[Gullyborg]

What I wouldn't give to be that poor sap...

[jgc]

This is priceless. Absolutely one of the funniest things I have ever read.

That photo makes me wonder why these folks are called the "Beautiful People." IMO, it looks like evidence for a massive plastic surgery malpractice class-action lawsuit. If I were the jury, I'd give 'em millions... wait! They already HAVE millions.

Okay, I've finally figured it out; they've got the medicine mixed up. Boys, YOU take testosterone, the estrogen is for the WOMEN.