Gag.

So it looks like there is some sort of international gag-order regarding the upcoming War of the Worlds movie.

Well, I haven't seen it yet (and probably won't), but I can tell you all about the movie.  The hell with the gag-order.

In this movie, Tom Cruise will play a cocky young scientist who doesn't get along with the other, more traditional (i.e. stupid and dorky and far less likely to have sex) scientists.

Aliens will attack the Earth.

Tom Cruise will be all like "hah!"

Some older actor, who used to be respectable, will play an older scientist, who used to be all hot and cocky like Cruise.  He will mentor Cruise, and provide the guidance Cruise needs to combat the aliens, over the objections of the other scientists.

Cruise will take on the aliens and almost defeat them, but then all of a sudden the aliens will be all like "you suck!" and be like this close to wiping out everyone on Earth.

Cruise will lose his mentor, who dies an agonizing death.  This will make Cruise all sad, requiring the kind heart of a hot babe, who will have sex with him since everyone is going to die.

Then, getting all inspired, Cruise will discover the secret to kill the aliens and the Earth will be saved.  The hot chick will be all like "you're my hero!"

Along the way, there will be cool special effects that simulate the destruction of important landscape icons, like the Statue of Liberty, the Eiffel Tower, and such.  Miraculously, the Hollywood sign and a lovable dog will escape disintegration.

In the end, Cruise will deliver an important message about humanity and morality, leaving the audience going all like "oh, I hadn't thought of that!"

The closing of the film will imply that more aliens might come, but thanks to Cruise and his hottie, we will be better prepared... or will we?

There you go.  You can now skip seeing War of the Worlds.  If you do see it, please come back and tell me how right I was in the comments.

Comments

[Tyler D.]

So somewhat like star wars just worse?

[JustaDog]

Remakes are rarely better than the originals. I'm wondering why there ARE so many remakes and a lack of new material.

[Brian B]

You forgot the part about the important lesson Tom teaches us being about Scientology.

[Jeff]

Well, since the only female I've heard associated with this movie is Dakota Fanning, I'm really hoping he doesn't try to have sex with her.... after all, do we need a second MJ-like trial this soon?

I think remakes get made because of the cowardice of the studios to approve new material. A remake generally has some chance of getting an audience.

[Gullyborg]

I think Katie Holmes is also in the movie.

[Jeff]

Nope, Katie is in Batman Begins as "Rachel Dawes"....
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0372784/

Miranda Otto plays Cruise's ex-
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0407304/
I wonder how much of her we actually see?

[Gullyborg]

well, if Miranda Otto is in the movie, it may be worth seeing after all...