Resistance is futile!

Arrrrr!

Avast, ye scurvy landlubber, 'tis International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

Ha ha!

Sometimes I have to simply post about something just because it makes me giggle.  Like this thing I read on a friend's blog:

I find that if you read my blog in a British accent, some parts are mildly funny even when not intended. I also find that I write with a British accent in my head lately for no reason at all. Just wanted to share.

Hee hee!

Mail call!

Where does the Mary Starrett campaign stand on the First Amendment?  I ask because I received this rather pedestrian e-mail last night, presented without alteration (other than to remove the contact information), from, let's call her "Jane":

Gully!

   You are a pig! Gully got porn????? Gully got viagra?? Here Gully, we have lubricant.. Is it  that you don't have a woman?

What would Jesus view?

What does this e-mail have to do with Mary Starrett?  Well, I won't give out private contact information over the internet, but I can tell you that "Jane" is major player in her campaign.

So, as I wrote back to "Jane":

Jane,

If you don’t like the idea of women in sexy clothing (and notice that there is CLOTHING and no nudity or profanity—I don’t publish anything they can’t show on network television), then don’t read my site.  While you are at it, pull the plug on your television, avoid motion pictures, and the beach on a sunny day.

If you want to send me constructive advice, you can do so without being so rude and childish and insulting.  And you have obviously never met my WIFE.

What would Jesus view?  Well, I seem to remember something about Him saying “turn the other cheek.”  You happen to be writing to a devout Christian, but comments like that seriously make me question the usefulness of the religious right.

And, considering the source, they seriously make me question the usefulness of Mary Starrett in politics.

If you think the First Amendment shouldn't be used to, say, give blanket protection to live sex acts featuring underage girls for cash, well, I agree with you.  That's why I've been working hard to enact change on our own state Supreme Court.  But if you think breaking down the wall of separation between church and state means the morality squad needs to come in and harass any publisher whose "rated PG" content isn't up to your Bible-thumping standards, count me out.  Just stay indoors and continue to teach your home-schooled children that evolution is Satan's tool for stealing our souls, and stay out of politics.  Or at least focus on electing Jack Roberts instead of sending hate mail to a blogger.

Remember, kids, you don't have to be a left-wing liberal to be a moonbat!

72 Virgins

Well, as you probably already know, Zarqawi has gone to meet his 72 virgins.  Unfortunately for him, he failed to read the fine print in his virgin contract, because he is about to meet 72 of these in Hell:

Burn in hell, you scum sucking infidel!  72 pulsing rhino penises aren't enough for what you have done in the name of the "religion of peace."

Kevin Mannix supports "hands on sexual hypnotherapy" as long as there is no abortion involved...

NW Republican brings to our attention the latest expose on Kevin Mannix, courtesy of the Oregonian.

Today is a bad day for the world to know that your entire political career has been based on funding from sexual hypnotherapist Loren Parks... especially when your platform relies on "family values" more than any other political issue.

Loren Parks: to paraphrase Tobias Funke, he's "an analyst and a therapist... I guess you could say... an analrapist..."

Or, I guess you could say... MOONBAT!

As for the expected Willamette Week hit, my sources from the rag's inner circle tell me it will come one week from today.  This will have two effects: it will bring the impact of the story out closer to the primary, and it will prolong the overall impact of the Willamette Week and Oregonian stories together.  Considering how much Willamette Week and the Oregonian hate each other (as NW Republican reminds us), this says a lot.

Here is a little bit of additional insider information, on hatred of a different sort, to put it into perspective while we wait:

Willamette Week has two owners, Richard Meeker and Mark Sussman, both nonpracticing lawyers.  Meeker's wife is Ellen Rosenblum, the most recently appointed member of the Oregon Court of Appeals.  Before that, she was a Multnomah County circuit court judge, appointed by Neil "I love Ron Saxton almost as much as underage girls" Goldschmidt.  Meanwhile, Willamette Week, and therefore Meeker, has been extremely critical of Kulongoski for not living up to the "progressive" ideal.  Apparently, Kulongoski's biggest hurdle in promoting Ellen was overcoming his hatred of Meeker... not to mention the fact that her appointment came after the Goldschmidt child rape scandal broke...

What a mess!

In other words, it is unclear whether or not the Meeker-Rosenblum family has a pro- or anti-Kulongoski bias: on the one hand, they owe Kulongoski a debt of gratitude for what amounts to essentially lifetime employment in a cushy and prestigious job; on the other hand, there has apparently been bad blood between these big members of the local legal community for some time.

And with Ron Saxton so chummy with Neil Goldschmidt, who knows what's really going on?

I guess we'll have to see whether or not the upcoming hit on Mannix is pointed more towards bringing down Mannix in the primary - to help Saxton, or in the general - to help Kulongoski, or both...

Only one thing is certain: this will be a very interesting article...

I wouldn't have thought it was an issue for you...

Liza Minnelli says she is sick of sex.

Umm... hello?  Have you even come within 20 feet of a straight man in the last 30 years?  I mean, other than the bodyguard you sexually harassed?  Of course, if he was part of your posse, he was probably gay, too...

Seriously, Buster from Arrested Development was more macho than your current estranged husband.  Come on, your husband was the least masculine member of your wedding party:

We can tell you're the bride, as you are wearing white.  But which one is the groom?  Normally we would say, "the groom is the man in the wedding photo."  Problem is, we just aren't sure who that would be in this case.

Liza, here is a tip for you:

If you want to enjoy sex again, stop hanging around with the GLBT crowd and find yourself a MAN.  Not a person with a penis and testicles who also wears a dress and sings prettier than you do.  Not a choreographer.  Not a hairdresser.  And probably not one of your bodyguards, either.

Try this:

Next Saturday night, instead of hanging out in a swanky bistro in the Village, fly to, oh, how about Tulsa.  That's in Oklahoma.  Not Oklahomo.  You can find it on a map.  It's in the big empty space in between Greenwich Village and San Francisco.  Go to Tulsa; the people at JFK airport can get you there.

Don't wear a gown.  In fact, don't wear anything you aren't willing to throw away.  Ask the cabbie at the Tulsa airport to take to the nearest Wal-Mart.  Once there, when the old guy at the front door greets you, tell him you need "women's wear."  Grab the first employee you can find there, and just say "help me."  She'll know what to do.

After you've been made all purdy, fetch another cab.  Ask the driver to take you someplace where real men hang out.  He'll know what to do.

Once you arrive at the cab driver's chosen C&W saloon, go in and have something to drink.  Hint: what you should order will come in a pint glass, be yellow, and have a monosyllabic name.  It should not come in stemware, be pink, or require an accent to properly pronounce.  I am talking about beer. 

You know, B-E-E-R.

I know you are an alcoholic, so I shouldn't be recommending drinks for you.  But I also know you have never stayed on the wagon, so roll with it.  You're going to get drunk anyway.  It may as well be on something normal.

Just don't chase you beer with Valium like you normally do.

Once the evening starts to pick up, the singing will start.  You probably won't know the songs, but the little TV screens have the words for you to read and the tunes are easy to pick up.  Get up and sing.  It's what you do well.  Try something from the page on Patsy Cline.  If you are really feeling frisky, go for a Gretchen Wilson song:

After you sing, expect several men to offer to buy you more beer.  This is normal.  This is what men do.  Pick the man who looks the least like one of your normal suitors, then just shut up and let him take charge.

Trust me, the next morning, you will have a whole different outlook on the world...

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Posting may be delayed a wee bit...

Anagrams and you

Vonski pointed me to this fun anagram tool.  Did you know that you can rearrange the letters of "Resistance is futile" to spell "a cretin is us lefties"?

Heh.

Why we will win!

Today I was checking referrals, and noticed that I had one visitor from IRAN!

I was concerned that maybe some terror group is researching me, perhaps to issue a Fatwah!  But when I clicked on the referring URL, I found out that the mysterious Iranian was actually researching...

Naked pictures of Veronica Zeminova!

He found this on my website... so I guess I'll post it again!

Well... if this is what the people in Iran are doing on the Internet, I think it is safe to say that we are winning the war...

Caption these

Two photographs from the Alito hearings:

Place your captions in the comments section.